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Reflection from December 16th, 2007 @ Age 26


I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling uncontrollably angry—angrier than I’ve felt in a long time, angry in the sense of needing to destroy something, anything.  I didn’t destroy anything, or at least I didn’t destroy anything to the point that it would have satisfied my anger though.  Instead, I sat with my anger and I suffered through it and it was supremely dissatisfying, and I couldn’t tell whether it was the result of or merely a manifestation of my late, supreme disappointment with life.

I despise that I continue to seek hope when I simultaneously want to feel certain that all hope has been lost.  I’ve been so disappointed by the world, and by my life experiences, that I want to be at the end — I want to end it all because I feel as though the pain and suffering will never end.  But then I wonder, whether I am creating the pain and suffering for myself, and how much the world actually has to do with it, if anything at all.

I feel infuriated and desperately wanting by what life has to offer.  You want to know a cruel irony of life?  People inevitably hurt you, and sometimes people hold grudges and you get sucked into their grudges, for no other reason than you are present and they need some face to attach to their mutiny.  But more often than not, I would say, people who you love, hurt you for no other reason than they are human and it is inevitable.  And that’s not even the worst part.

The worst part, I tell you, is that you have to learn to forgive these people, or else you end up even worse off – namely, left all alone in this world.  In other words, you have to be willing to forgive the people you love, who hurt you for no other reason than that they are human beings prone to imperfection, or else you end up worse off in finding yourself alone in this cold and dark world.

I hate life.  It’s painful to no end, and as far as I can tell, the pain and suffering far outweigh any joy and happiness to be had.  I look forward to being proven wrong, but it makes me sick to think that after all I’ve endured, I still have a place in my heart that yearns to hope.  I want to hope for the prevailing of good over evil in human beings, I want to hope for love and for peace, I want to hope for a man who will love me like I’ve never imagined possible and I want to hope for the capacity to once again make and have friends.  I hope for stability and for sanity, I hope for inner peace and I hope to help people.  I hope to make this world a better place by being in it, and by becoming a productive member of society and humanity at large.  I hope to find solace in being regular, and in struggling to pay my bills and all that I become as a result.  I hope for love more than anything, to find an undying love within which to grow, a place to shield me from the worst and the coldest this world has to offer — a place where I can continue to learn and to give and not be hardened by the gritty compass of reality.