Reflection from May 3rd, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: LEARNING HOW TO SEE THROUGH THE DARKNESS.
God it’s so depressing reading about all my junior year Denison asshole boyfriends! It’s depressing because there were so many guys I could have chosen from who would actually have given a damn about me, and I turned them all away for these stupid f@#king douchebags. And depressing really isn’t what I could use right now because I’m already feeling blue as hell as it were. I’m so glad I have my trip to Kayleigh’s (with three days off of work!) coming up for the baby, and then my trip to visit Harrison the following weekend, because staying here at my parent’s house all weekend has completely depressed the hell outta me.
I’ve taken lots and lots of my “as needed” meds this weekend. Lots. I’m just so unhappy with my life right now, I feel like I’m living as a separate entity in this body, leading this life I don’t really want to be living. And all the things that are good in my life seem so ancillary, so petty and futile. I want so much more than what I have in my life right now; I wanted so much more for myself. And I’ll tell you what, I worked hard as hell to get where I am today, which means my dreams—my happiness, is just all the more unattainable than I ever thought possible. I’m tired though and hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning. I can hardly believe it, but I’m almost ready to get back to work on Monday. I’m almost looking forward to it, because then I get to count down more days till I get to see Harrison, and I also can get my mind somewhat off how shitty my life really is.
Ohh Harrison…I can’t remember if I’ve written this already—I think I already did but I’ll say it once more. I asked Harrison how many siblings he has and if his parents were divorced, when did it happen. Now I’m not so sure those were good questions to ask—I just think he might think they’re weird questions to ask him. But I guess in a way he might feel flattered that I’m so interested, and also happy to see I’ve written him once more (well…twice more). I know I’m really happy whenever I see he’s sent me an email…I just can’t wait to open it up and see what his beautiful mind has to say. Anyways, I feel a bit anxious about that lately. I feel blue lately. I’ve been thinking about slitting my wrists this weekend, just because I hate where I’m at in life—I don’t want to be a f@#king lawyer and I don’t want to take the bar exam, though I feel like I have to at this point; I hate living at home and I hate not having a significant other who cares about me and wants to know the mundane details of my life. I want a significant other who wants to bear witness to my life.
I’ll be damned if I’m gonna find my witness here anytime soon though. I’m just here trying not to f@#king drown. Drown in my sorrows, in my disappointments, in my dire disillusionment and overall cynicism of this ugly ugly world. Everything is dark and the light cannot be found. I’m wandering around in the dark and there’s nothing to light my way. I can’t even see the path I’m supposed to be embarking on. I don’t know how I’m going to live through these days, until lighter days come my way. I just don’t know how I’m gonna make it through even just one more day.