Reflection from February 25th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: BIG DREAMS VS. “DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR” — LEARNING TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
I mean, I’ve seen it happen before where people in my life take special steps — they go out of their way to make this world at least seem like it’s not such an awful place for me. It’s happened several times now on a small-scale basis, and I guess that’s what I see happening if I publish this set of nonsense—I see people going out of their way to help me out since I’ve suffered for so long and will have, at that point, contributed for the good of others. And I don’t know that that’s unreasonable or not.
It probably is when I think people are just going to start handing me large sums of money, not from book publication or anything, just people who have a lot of money and have money to spare, and don’t want to see me have to suffer, if nothing else at least financially, anymore. That seems pretty delusional. But when I think about delusions, it makes me wonder what the hell hoping for a miracle is, because to me, a miracle doesn’t seem anything more than a delusion until it actually happens. When a delusion becomes reality, that seems to be what a miracle entails. But then again, I suppose it depends on what the delusion is; I suppose some are more probabilistically able to happen than are others. I don’t know, I’m f@#king tired. I think I finally fell asleep at about 3 or 4am. I’m not sure if that’s insomnia, or if insomnia is when you can’t sleep at all.
I see lots of patterns reading through my old journals though. Sexual promiscuity, spending sprees, racing thoughts, endless energy, euphoria, irritability, incoherency at times—it’s really f@#king scary to read all the shit that’s gone on in my head. Anyways, off to work I go! Another day, another dollar, no? Delusions and all…