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Reflection from February 5th, 2009 @ Age 27

RE:  LEARNING TO ACCEPT MY WHOLE SELF, AS I AM.

Well I saw my psychiatrist today and she said the lack of memory most likely has nothing to do with my medications.  She said if anything my medications should be helping with my memory, which I don’t know if I actually believe—but it makes no difference really.  She said depression and anxiety could make my memory falter, as well as making concentration difficult.  So that was entirely unhelpful.  She did ask me though, whether I had been drinking or using any drugs and of course I said no.  She said, “I didn’t think so but I have to ask.”  She also said she thinks I’m going to pass the bar exam because I’ve been studying hard and because I did well in law school.  It’s funny how people assume that I did well in law school.  Like Sharon at work, for instance, always says that too.  I don’t have the heart to break peoples’ fantasies and tell them actually, I was an undiagnosed bipolar head case during law school and actually, I did quite poorly and almost failed several classes.  I don’t like to relay that information about myself because, well, why would I?  It’s negative, and as we all know in this society—the negative should be hid away, tucked far beneath everyday knowledge.

Anyways, I’m just going to keep taking these vitamins that are supposed to help with my memory and hope to god they help me out for the July bar exam, because as of right now, I think it’s a little too late to help me out come the end of February.  I’m just glad the bar examiners decided to approve my character and fitness.  That would have been awful if I would have had to go through a whole hearing defending myself and my character and fitness to practice law in the state of Ohio because I struggle with mental illness.  I think I have done very well for myself though, given all the circumstances I’ve had to deal with.  I still feel like a moron—but when I think about it, I’m also pretty proud of myself for coming so far, having had so little to work with.  It really makes me think I can pass this bar exam, come to think of it.  Maybe not on the first try, maybe not even on the second try, but I’m sure by the third time around I will pass with flying colors.  And so, as always, I must only proceed on, trudging forward in the face of unhappiness, waiting for all my dreams to one day come true (all the while knowing that they are slowly slipping further and further away).