Reflection from April 8th, 2014 @ Age 32
RE: THE HIGHS AND LOWS OUTSIDE OF “NORMALCY”.
I’m sitting here at Denison. I’m at North Quad and I found a nice big porch out front a dorm with rocking chairs upon it, so I’m sitting here with my feet up rocking, and soaking up the sun. I hardly even know what to say. I am so happy I could almost die. But not quite.. I am past the death part now, and the only thing standing between here and “made it” are the few last teeny, tiny baby steps left. Or so I hope. We’ll see what happens.
I’m going to go read my April Fools’ Day letter regarding S.B.43 for the billionth time. Can’t quite seem yet, to put it down. Its beauty astounds even I—hard to believe sometimes, something so beautiful came right straight out from this mind. My heart and “seriously mentally-ill” mind.
I’ll take my life over “normalcy” any day — this now, is my time..
Still at Denison—at The Village Coffee Shop now though, and kind of feel like killing myself. I don’t know why…
Mostly, because the one table that I chose in this whole f’ing place is right above the air-conditioner blower which is blowing up, right forth upon me. It blows… It is so cold…
It’s like I come back here, and when I’m alone, someplace sitting in nature peacefully—I remember all the good times; but when I’m around people, all the bad feelings come back. All the feelings of rejection, abandonment…disregard as to my suffering and heinous judgment as to my differences. All these differences that I am from the norm…I will never be normal like they are; except now—the difference, is that I don’t care. I don’t care that I will never be capable as they are, because now, I am cognizant of my own powers and responsibilities. They do not compare—they cannot compare, because I am capable of things the others can’t even understand. That, is the difference here; now, I am still the different one—but now, I no longer care. I am happy with me — just as I am.