Reflection from February 17th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: ANALYSIS OF DIFFERING MOOD STATES & IMPACT UPON SELF-WORTH.
You know I misspoke before. I said that I never have periods of normalcy, spans of time in which my mood is neither severely high nor severely low. I do have such periods, though they are few and far in between, and I find it rather peculiar that it’s during these periods of “normalcy” that I feel most insane of all. You see whatever state I happen to be in, whether I’m high or low or even—in whatever particular state I am in at any given moment, it’s almost impossible to believe that I felt so extremely any other way. When I’m high, and I’m not talking drunk or on drugs or anything of the sort—when I am naturally high the entire world just makes sense. When I am high I find meaning in everything but most of all, in the mundane daily circumstances of life. When I am low I wander through never ending darkness, without answers and without a plan. When I am even, let me tell you, I feel like my moods are something that I should be able to control. And believing, in those moments, that I should have power over that which I have no control, I’m at my most ugliest state of being and I feel most out of control. I judge myself in these moments, and there are few things that feel worse than rejection of one’s own self. That is how I feel in this moment. I feel “normal” and completely insane in my normalcy. I can’t even begin to explain the basis for such an oxymoronic assertion.