, , , , , , , ,


Reflection from February 17th, 2008 @ Age 26


You know I misspoke before.  I said that I never have periods of normalcy, spans of time in which my mood is neither severely high nor severely low.  I do have such periods, though they are few and far in between, and I find it rather peculiar that it’s during these periods of “normalcy” that I feel most insane of all.  You see whatever state I happen to be in, whether I’m high or low or even—in whatever particular state I am in at any given moment, it’s almost impossible to believe that I felt so extremely any other way.  When I’m high, and I’m not talking drunk or on drugs or anything of the sort—when I am naturally high the entire world just makes sense.  When I am high I find meaning in everything but most of all, in the mundane daily circumstances of life.  When I am low I wander through never ending darkness, without answers and without a plan.  When I am even, let me tell you, I feel like my moods are something that I should be able to control.  And believing, in those moments, that I should have power over that which I have no control, I’m at my most ugliest state of being and I feel most out of control.  I judge myself in these moments, and there are few things that feel worse than rejection of one’s own self.  That is how I feel in this moment.  I feel “normal” and completely insane in my normalcy.  I can’t even begin to explain the basis for such an oxymoronic assertion.