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Reflection from January 23rd, 2007 @ Age 25

So, let me ask you this.  Am I the one who is supposed to feel bad when Christian broke up with me?  Because I’m not mad or sad.  I’m relieved to be back to me!

Did I tell you I’m down from 150mg to 50mg of Zoloft?!  I don’t think I’ve noticed much difference except I may be acting a bit impulsively.  But when have I ever not been an impulsive person?  Maybe it’s a phase, or it seems impulsive to others because they aren’t here in my mind with me for the long haul.  Or maybe tradition is no excuse?  Or maybe it’s a side effect of not taking meds?  Who the fuck knows.  All that matters is that I know that it’s me.  My true, genuine, beautifully tangled self ;0)

It feels really good, I tell ya, to take care of myself these days.  But I do wonder if there’s anything I’m not thinking of that may be improved.  And there’s the kicker.

Christian doesn’t believe in god and that’s fine.  But I do (in whatever fashion that may be) and the last straw was that he can’t respect religion because of all the bad manipulative ways it’s been used by humans.  And he doesn’t believe in god in the first place because he can’t actually, physically measure god in some sort of unit via the scientific method.  That doesn’t sit well with me at all because the best things in my life can’t be seen, but I know they’re there.  And even if they aren’t, what’s the big deal?  If I’m not hurting anyone else and it makes me happy—why should I deny myself?

I’m lucky to be a human and have that choice.  And Christian couldn’t ever really accept that choice and respect it because that’s what I think.  He has difficulty respecting anyone’s opinion if it isn’t consistent with his own though.  I can’t deal with that!  He said he was open-minded but I wonder what the hell he meant by that because as far as I can tell, you can’t get much more closed-minded than that.

I like to remind myself that with politics—when I get very angry with the republicans, I like to remind myself of the constitution and the brilliance of the checks and balances system.  And having the freedom to think what I want and make a difference, it doesn’t get much better than that!  At least from where I stand today, anyways.