Reflection from November 11th, 2013 @ Age 32
RE: WHO’S the mentally-ill one NOW, biootchhhh…
I took the day off work today, I took a “sick” day because I’m mentally ill and “sick” in my head. That’s the way it should be worded here in this stupid world, even though this stupid world and most of the people in it are the ones who are sick in their heads, thinking that money is more important than other humanity. It makes me sick in my heart to think about. The kind of soul-sickness that drives one to want to leave this world so they are no longer a contributing factor to the problem, just sitting around in silence suffering and not able to do a goddamned thing about it. I have the chance to do a goddamned something about it now and so I have to take a day off work to finish preparing for the hearing Wednesday in the Ohio House Judiciary Committee on HB104 proposing to force treatment upon the mentally ill, upon people just like me, I mean you know, upon me. And I’m just not okay with that and yet people say ohh your bills!!! Your bills!! You must be able to pay your bills!!!!!
But in all honesty, I don’t care about my bills because I couldn’t live with myself anyways, knowing that I had this opportunity to make a difference here, and that I just let it pass me by. I just cannot do that, and I suppose if that is what makes me sick in my head and “mentally ill” as a result, then I suppose that just is what those people must label it in their sickly misunderstood messed up heads. I walk around listening to people bitch all day long about having higher health insurance premiums so that people like me, with pre-existing conditions, can get health insurance. They say ohh there’s a better way that we can put this off for now, and find at some time later in the infinite future. But I suffer now. So that doesn’t work for me. And so now that I’ve been caused by my mental “illness” to stand up for myself, it’s no longer shortly going to be working for them either.
These people. These people I must co-exist with in this world that call me mentally “ill” when they themselves are so sick in the head, more fraught with worry about money than the humanity of others, it’s just so backwards. And I really just can’t figure out if it’s a measure of chosen ignorance or a lacking capability to comprehend altogether or what. All I know is that it makes me sick, which is why I am taking a sick day from work. So that I can coordinate with my insurance company and pharmacy and doctor’s office to get my fucking Ritalin filled today, so that I don’t have a 5 day time gap from Thursday to Tuesday wherein I cannot even function period, and miss three days of work because of that.
These people don’t know my struggles, they don’t know my toil and it’s because they don’t know my story. So maybe they won’t listen at all, but maybe, some will. I mean I don’t know, I cannot tell you what is going to happen. All I can tell you is that I cannot go on living like everything is just okay, because it’s not. The gap between my peers and I is growing ever by the day, I am lagging, lagging ever so far behind still. I do not have hope that things will ever get better if I cannot stand up and tell my story and at the very least play my role in this production that we create here.
This is my turn. God has decided now to wave me in. I am not letting this opportunity pass me by. So off to work I go…and do not be confused…I mean the important work, not the worthless one…