Reflection from September 28th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: BEING BEHIND IN LIFE.
I’ve been fearing lately that I went to law school for the wrong reasons—namely, to prove to other people that I was smart. I think more than that, though, it was at least in part to prove to myself that I was smart. It’s funny then, that after having completed the whole endeavor I feel more stupid than ever. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t understand these business courses in law—secured transactions, commercial paper, corporations. I just don’t get them! I have nothing in my repertoire to relate them to and it’s terribly difficult to just memorize them by heart. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I worked out today though! It felt great and I watched Legally Blonde while doing so, which was nice. It’s funny come to think of it, watching that movie after the fact, given the fact that it motivated me to believe I could go to law school in the first place. I see how Elle Woods gets so smart during the movie, how she learns to think like a lawyer, and it depresses me to hell. I don’t know what the f@#k I was thinking when I was in law school. I don’t know why I didn’t care more about making good grades and creating lasting friendships. I don’t know where I was to be entirely honest. I think I was quite literally out of my f@#king mind. I don’t know what I was.
I went over and spent Saturday night with Christopher and Aaliyah which was nice. Poor Aiden hit his eye on the edge of the coffee table while I was there though, and it was funny because Chris was right behind Aiden and picked him up and was hugging him, and then Aiden wanted down, so Christopher put him down, and he walked—all the while wailing—over to his mom for more comfort. I tell you what. That Aiden and Aaliyah have quite the relationship. I don’t think I’d mind terribly having that kind of a relationship with a little guy myself. Or a little girl. Whichever really.
I just see all my friends (that I do have) and family who are my age, playing house and living with meaningful relationships in their lives and I wonder what the f@#k I’ve done to myself. I wonder, how is it that I feel like I haven’t changed a bit over all these years, especially in light of the lives of those around me. How could I have just been standing still all that time—when everybody else around me was growing up? How is it that I am a child still—when everyone else my age has turned into an adult? I still don’t know where the f@#k my mind is. I can hardly tell what’s real from what is not. It’s a dire time I’m having here. I can’t wait for it all to end.