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REFLECTION FROM MARCH 17TH, 2011 @ AGE 29

RE: SELF ACCEPTANCE – WHY IT’S SO DANG’ON HARD TO DO

I’ve spent my entire life shielding myself from the world.  I realize this now because I’ve just realized with painful clarity that I know a little bit about nothing and a lot about nothing.  I know nothing.   And this becomes glaringly, painfully clear when I’m around my peers.  Once again, I feel behind.

I sincerely hope that one day I will look back on this and laugh, and say ohh Marissa…you just needed a couple changes in your life.  I want to make those small changes that make a huge difference in the long run, but for some reason I just can’t.  I can’t get motivated.  I can’t seem to care…or at least, enough.

I obviously care about how stupid I feel because it incessantly bothers me and impacts my interactions (or lack thereof) with others, and notably with my peers.  I know I’ve said this before, but Harrison Fulright would be so happy.  And maybe Halle too.  They never thought I was smart enough to be a lawyer and haha!  Look how I proved them!  What an idiot.  The joke is obviously on me, I’m the stupidest lawyer ever.

I was at dinner last night with my mom, her neighbor lady and Cooper, and ohh, they talked about how the airspace program left America for Russia, they talked about the Three-Mile something or other, they talked about nuclear this and that.  I had no idea what they were talking about the whole time.  And I hate being around other people because I sit there on the edge of my seat the entire time, just hoping that nobody finds out that I’m stupid because I’m a lawyer and I’m supposed to be smart and that’s so not the case.

The other night I went to a meeting for a CF fundraiser with Cooper and a legal issue about liability came up and one guy looked at me and said, “you’re a lawyer, right?”  And I said “I am, but don’t ask me!”  And everybody laughed and I wanted to die.  My brain tightens up when people ask me legal questions, and I can’t think, and in any case it’s been 7 months since the bar exam and I can’t remember a goddamn thing I studied for it.  I just don’t know what is wrong with my brain.  It’s like nothing sticks in there.

And then I was talking to Cooper about how I have these books, US History for Dummies and World History for Dummies that I bought forever ago and never read, but that I want to read now so I don’t feel as out of the loop.  And he looked at me and smirked like I was some kind of idiot because I wanted and/or needed to do something like that.  Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but it made me angry.  I am trying to do something to better my situation and he laughs at me.  Maybe he thinks it is simpler than that though, just a matter of reading or watching the news on TV.  He is probably right to an extent, but for some reason I hate the news.  I’d rather read an informative book than journalism.  Journalism, for me, seems like such a waste of time.  It’s so repetitive and you never know from whose bias you are being informed.  I don’t know; I’m sure my reasons don’t justify not paying attention to the news, but I just have this block for some reason.  It’s holding me back and I can’t seem to figure out how to move forward.

I looked at the news on Saturday night last weekend and saw there was an earthquake in Japan, and said “ohh my gosh, there’s been an earthquake in Japan!”  And Stella said, “you didn’t know there was an earthquake in Japan?”  As if I sit on my phone 24 hours a day and read the news.  It happened that morning (or at least that’s what Cooper said, I should really look it up).  I don’t know, this is all just bothering me very much.

Anyways, I have a meeting with my Supreme Court mentor today, so I’ll go to that and try to pretend I’m not stupid.  Should be fun.  I know I should look at it as a great learning opportunity, but that’s so hard to do when you’re so scared somebody’s going to look at you like you’re some kind of freak contradiction.

Ainsley still has not come yet, but I’m anxiously awaiting.

I wonder sometimes if part of the reason I want to have children is because I want it to change me, for the better.  I want to have something that drives me to be better, for some reason.  Cooper was my reason for awhile, in a fierce manner that got me through the bar exam.  But now things have quieted down and I’m tired.  I’m so tired and so overwhelmed at everything I need to know and learn and do to catch up with my peers, that I don’t even want to try.  I know it will never be perfect, so why even try?

Ahh yes, but what is perfection?  I’m looking to the end result which, in my last entry, I clearly defined to be the process, not the result.  The result is a benefit, but the process is wherein the beauty lies.  I told you I have trouble remembering this.  It’s easier just to say aww…I can’t be perfect, so what’s the use in trying.  Well I suppose the use is in finding beauty.  Painful beauty.  Why ohh why must it be so painful though?!

I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary that I’ve been trying to avoid pain my entire life.  The real irony of the situation is that there is good pain and bad pain.  There is productive pain that leads you somewhere worthwhile, and there is unproductive pain that leads you to everlasting frustration, a dead end.  For some reason, I’ve chosen the latter.  I wish to think that I’m better than everyone else, that I’m so beautiful, but we all are alike in this way.  We choose to avoid pain sometimes, not realizing that there is no path without pain.  We all do it.  It’s just that some make this realization and change the path they’re on to make it more productive.

This I need to do.  But I’m struggling with how.  I keep saying to myself that I can never be perfect, I can never be what I want to be.  But what do I want to be?  Perfect?  No, I want to be beautiful.  And that is in the process, which includes imperfection.  The perfection is in the imperfection.  So what I really want is the productive imperfection that leads me to someplace worthwhile.  But ohh why must it be so scary?!

It seems it’s so much easier for so many other people.  I know this isn’t necessarily the case, but it’s so much more difficult when I perceive it to be, than when I know.  I’m just stuck.  I had an ice cream bar for breakfast (albeit weight watchers 110 calories), and I’m already off to a bad start.  But, is that reason to ruin the whole rest of my day?  Can I wait for the hunger pains and then say to myself, this is what I need?  This is what is good although it hurts?  Can I lead myself through the darkness of the imperfection, not knowing where I am going, hurting, so that I can finally get to where I so terribly want to go?  I don’t know.  Although, I know I can, I just don’t know how to get started.  That’s the funny thing though.  I know what I have to do; I just can’t seem to do it.

Anyways, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.  I just don’t have it figured out quite yet.  I hope all this thinking is of some use someday.  But that’s another story for another time; I have to get ready for work.