REFLECTION FROM AUGUST 13TH, 2013 @ AGE 32
I wonder when Cooper started hating me. I wonder if Huntington is going to do a background check on me and find the divorce records and see that I’m bipolar and no way Jose!! Sigh.
I wonder and I sit here and try’n figure out all this new Mac equipment I purchased with money I don’t really, technically have. I mean I have it, but who knows how long I’ll be on COBRA and I really have to get started on this job search because Huntington may very well just be screwing the f around with me, I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I feel like I lost Giselle in the divorce, my very first best Columbus girlfriend I made here. And then damn’t Caleb Adelshine, I finally decide to give Lainey a shot because he just had to keep on dating her for six-and-a-half years, and then don’t you know she becomes my second best Columbus girlfriend, and now she’s gonna be gone because of their breakup as well. It’s like I’m destined to have no friends here. It kind of makes me cry, you know? I mean it’s so f@#king lonely and sad when your parents are so tired of listening to you that they actually tell you that, and then suggest some activities through which I might make some so that I might talk to someone else once in awhile. The whole thing just depresses the hell out of me. I don’t really know what else to say.
Except this big ass Mac monitor is surely amazing, as is my new lappy and my new iPad as well. I just can’t seem to get the hang of them quite yet, except that they are all set up for the most part and just need customized and whatever, but luckily the info transfer from my old computer to my new computer included this “membership” where I have a year to come in to the Apple Store and be coached on all things Apple relating to the products I’ve purchased. It was pretty absurd really, I mean I wonder whether I’ll use it and all, but I surely hope that I do, because I sure as hells could learn a lot. I guess now is not the time for making friends. Now is the time for learning and organizing my blog and reading and writing.
The time will come and you will have so many f’ing friends Miss Maris you won’t know what to do with yourself first. You’ll be enjoying life so greatly you’ll just wish it would never end.
That time will come. I’m sure it will. I have worked too hard and been too good and certainly, for surely and without a doubt, too persistent, for that time to never come. Unless it comes in another form, of which I am not aware. That happens a lot you know, when you wish for something and you get it, but it comes in another form than you were expecting. Like getting to be with David for the rest of my life. Turns out the Universe meant “in spirit”, not in “real” tangible life, or whatever you call this particular existence I am being within at this particular moment.
Existence is so bizarre, it really just all kinds of blows my f@#king mind. I mean, I was thinking yesterday, is this the same planet that the dinosaurs lived on?!! And if it is, what made them extinct? And no matter their reason, we for surely and without doubt are all going to be extinct here pretty soon as well, the human race I mean. Between killing ourselves and killing others, I just don’t know. It’s like the good are too weak and the evil are too strong right now.
Speaking of which, I am finally reading Sun Tzu’s The Art of War book, which has been awfully interesting (and I mean that in the sincere way, not the “I’m bored out of my f@#king mind” kind of way…figured it might be hard to tell in black and white). So I suppose you could say, I am preparing myself. For battle, I do prepare. I think I’ll read the Laws of Power book or whatever it’s called next, except I’m in the middle right now of like 15 other books and feel so overwhelmed by life it’s driving me crazy. But at least Dr. R got me some Ritalin to get through this week till I see Dr. S when he’s back from vaca this Saturday.
I’m working on my back posture and it hurts my muscles to sit up straight for so long. But I swear to god I’m not going to be a hunchback. I wonder when I will die. I mean like, how old I will be, not so much how. Although that would be interesting too, but I don’t care much about that; I just wonder how much time I have left and how much time I should be spending preparing and all that, and I don’t know. I just wonder and wonder all the time, it never ends. I think it’s in the forefront always, and all this other bullshit of the “tangible” life I live falls behind it. I know what’s important, if not up front, at the very least, deep down inside. And that’s what really counts you know, because when you are deep inside of a battle, that’s what comes out in the end. What’s deep inside. That is what really matters.
Anyways, on to trying to be more productive. I do actually feel more focused now, having gotten all that off my chest. I didn’t know I had that much on it to begin with, so hmm, who knew?!!
And my back hurts. And I don’t want to organize and put all my books away because I just want to sit here and write all day long and all night long and just be a writer in and out through and through till the end of time. Or my time, whichever comes first in the end.