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I hate to even write this out it frightens me that much— but I just have this horrible feeling that everything that happened with the senate, and with Senator Coley and Senator Burke and everything was all just a big hoax or something— something to appease me, in order to get me out of the way.  Like everyone is now laughing together behind my back— it’s the most awful feeling in the world, and it’s odd how it reminds me of my Cultivating Beauty post from that day so long ago, when I was only 19.  The very feeling that people could be so cruel makes me want to kill myself.  I don’t know why I feel this way.  I don’t know if this is what results from 32 years of discriminatory stigma and hatred from other human beings or what.  Not that such treatment was my entire experience— but it certainly makes up the majority of my past.

I don’t know why I feel this way—I mean I guess I do—I guess it is the result of all that stigma for all those years.  I just want to question my perception of reality right now—like maybe this all was too good to be true, and maybe it was therefore just a cruel joke everyone was in on except me.  I don’t know…

The thought alone makes me want to kill myself.  I feel depressed.