REFLECTION FROM JANUARY 14TH, 2009 @ AGE 27
RE: WANING SELF-CONFIDENCE DESPITE THE USE OF PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATIONS – What Happens When A Society Refuses To Accept Those Of Us Who Are Different.
Okay, I’m on study time so this has to be quick. What really just kind of sucks is that Mason didn’t even really give me a chance. I got weird and that weirded him out and he was done. What an a@#hole. I don’t know why I thought he would be any different from the rest. I don’t think I even did think that he would be any different; I just thought it would be fun to have someone to hang out with. Is that so bad? So I f@#ked it up and now he wants nothing to do with me. Of course he said he’d call when he had some free time and when his ex-girlfriend moves out, but I’m sure that’s all lip service. I texted him last and he never responded. Remember Tommy, how he used to text me and I wouldn’t respond. It’s because I wasn’t interested. And he got all weird and bitter about it and here I am kind of mad and bitter about what happened with Mason. It’s just hard when you’re the one who was gotten rid of.
I should be used to it by now with my track record. I can’t seem to find a guy who actually wants to be with me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what my f@#king problem is. All I know is that my knight in shining armor must have fallen off his goddamn horse and gotten lost in the woods and eaten by the trolls. Something must have happened because all my friends have their knights in shining armor, all my siblings have their princesses, and here I am, all alone. All alone in this big wide world. All alone I live this sad little life. You can tell I’m on medication because this is the point where I’d become suicidal and start talking about death and its wonderful qualities. I don’t feel suicidal, I just feel sh#tty. I feel sh#tty about myself, sh#tty about the bar exam, sh#tty about my life, sh#tty about not having any friends, sh#tty about not having a significant other, sh#tty about living at my parents house, sh#tty about my financial situation, just sh#tty all around. Ohh how it seems.. Ohh how it feels.. Will I never ever find my way out of this hole?
PS from February 8th, 2014 — Here’s a video from yesterday, wherein I put the smack down with my health insurance company. I didn’t actually accomplish anything–but it still felt good ;0P