REFLECTION FROM NOVEMBER 24TH, 2012 @ AGE 31
RE: BEAUTY—AND WHAT LOVE’S GOT TO DO WITH IT.
Well, I woke up thinking of Anastasia, and all the wonderful thoughts I associate with her. Then I went to Starbucks with Dietrich and the guy at the window who always says to me at the window “oohhhhhh…it’s the magic drink!” He asked me what I was doing today and looked ambiguously bewildered when I said I was not watching the big football game. Of course my mind blanked in the moment and I said I did not know what I am doing today, but really I’m going to visit my grandma and I do wonder, the shock that comment would have garnered on his face. He and his little buddy working at Starbucks at 6:30am on a Saturday morning, “ooooohhhhhh look at that extra foam!” his little buddy said to him. What a bunch of assholes I have to get my wonderful morning latte from.
No really, I know it’s not so bad. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and then thought about why for approximately an hour—so that, I’m sure, did not contribute much to my mental health either. Which, speaking of mental health, I do wonder sometimes whether that is the main contributing factor to my forward-moving retardation in life. But I don’t know…I mean, I really, really do not know! I can’t identify specifically why not, it’s all related I know, but it’s still difficult to define. I know it, of course, has to do with beauty, but I’m still unclear as to how that will come into play.
This is my best guess: it has something to do with beauty, but more specifically to do with my genuinity. I feel like, and take this with a grain because like I’ve already said, I do not have this clearly well-thought out yet…it’s still yet in marination mode. But I feel like (as Dietrich keeps bugging me for pieces of breakfast sandwich) I have somehow managed to protect and maintain my childhood innocence. I think, while that part of other adults my age and older has hardened, my heart remains soft and beating loudly like it always has. It may be bleeding, of course, but therein lies the beauty. And really that’s all that I’ve got. For now in any case.
So much, with me, remains yet to be seen. I still get to feeling like I’m, now, incredibly so very far behind! But really once you get to a certain part in your life, the exciting part fades away and the monotony sets in. And if you aren’t prepared for that time beforehand, I think it becomes damn near impossible at that time to do the kind of work I’ve done in the past couple of decades or so. That’s where the hardened part of the heart then comes in. It solidifies then. Whereas mine, I hope, has become strong over these past years, and while it remains soft and beating with life, it is strong and can protect itself from harm at the same time. I think that’s the difference, but I’m just not sure how it will manifest itself in the real world.