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REFECTION FROM JULY 5th, 2013 @ AGE 32

RE:  MY NEW PSYCHIATRIST’S SOUND UNDERSTANDING OF “MENTAL ILLNESS”—AS IT UNFORTUNATELY IS NOT, FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE INCOMPETENT FORCE.

As you can see, I attempted writing on July 3rd.  Didn’t happen.  I’ve been having all these beautiful thoughts in my head, but I’m afraid to sit down and try to write them out because I’m afraid they will escape me and then the loss I will feel will be far worse than any loss I will feel by shopping too much, or cleaning too much, or baking too much, or smoking too much, or working out too much (well, that one’s debatable, but you get my point).  So here’s what I’ve been thinking, this morning at least, I’ll give it one shot:

I was thinking, my goodness, how doesn’t it suck not to have any money!  I mean, I think in all fairness, it would probably be safe to say that for most people, they would see having more money as a good thing and not a bad.  I know how the opposite is true.  I don’t really feel like getting into it and explaining the whole thing to you right now, but rest assured—if you are an individual like me, an “outlier” it has been said, then it is not such a horrible circumstance to find ones’ self in—without having any money.

I’ve been pretty disappointed with myself lately because I’ve been smoking a lot of cigarettes.  Alright, this is going to take a minute to explain, but I will do it for you.  Yes I will.

My psychiatrist says to me—okay, so, as the meds we are using are making you “better” (he’s a DO, BTW—and the first one ever to do genetic testing on my liver enzymes and blood testing for my serotonin, dopamine, etc. levels—go figure), you are going to actually feel more.  He said, when you are on the wrong meds, or the wrong combo of meds, or the wrong doses of any of those combo of meds, it makes you feel numb—which has completely been my experience and is THE NO.1 REASON WHY I USED TO NOT TAKE MY MEDICATIONS AS PRESCRIBED (okay, that was a little much, but I wanted to make it clear, because I think so many people wonder so simply why bipolar people don’t take their meds…anyways…).  So I am feeling more which is debatably a good thing or not, because I am also going through this divorce with a sociopathic horror as my psychologist would say (except I added the “horror” part, but the other is legit, she really did explain the whole thing to me and it makes sense).

So anyways, I’ve been feeling more, and it’s been difficult for me—not only because of the divorce, but for other reasons to which I can list out for you later.  There are many.  So I’ve been feelin’ pretty stressed as of late, but doing things that are in fact good for me (I can list those out for you too), but the one thing I am not doing well is that I am smoking cigarettes; not lots, but probably about a pack a week or slightly more. So that can be read one of two (or more) ways.

The one way in particular that I am leaning in towards validating is that smoking is a far better OPTION OF HARMING MYSELF THAN CUTTING, DOING DRUGS, COMMITTING SUICIDE, ETC. (that too, perhaps needlessly in bold, italicized, underlined caps unnecessarily, but also I think a common misperception, that bipolar people turn outward first to harm when in need and those needs are not being met).  Problem is, and this is just silly in a way because it is practically speaking—it’s kinda difficult to type as quickly as I need to type to get all these thoughts out, while one hand is being taken up busy with a cigarette.  And I could get an ashtray where I could set down my cigarette to type something out—but I don’t, because I don’t want to encourage more smoking.  Or, perhaps it’s because I’m discouraging myself from writing.  See, two ways it can be read.

I can promise you, I always have a point.  It’s just that sometimes I get so lost in round about words and thoughts that I lose track of the forest and can only see the trees (that’s how it goes, yes?).  So forgive me if I do that sometimes, it’s a bad habit I’m working to fix.

So anyways, here are the bad things I’m doing right now, I’ll tell you:

  1. Spending money that I do not have on credit;
  2. Smoking cigarettes;
  3. Not walking Dietrich enough (although to be fair—it’s been raining pretty much straight for three days now);
  4. Eating more calories than I perhaps could be (so that’s debatable too); and
  5. I think that’s about it folks; ohh no…
  6. Not responding to correspondence.  That’s big for me, relationships are important to me.  I don’t have many that I’ve been able to hold on to steady throughout the years due to the ups and downs of my illness—so this small group of individuals who have, I love dearly and would dedicate my heart to if they asked.

And now I’m tired of writing.  I’ve just not had the motivation, the real passion to write lately and I don’t know if it has to do with the medications or what, but it’s frustrating me and I do not like it.  I’m on a new med, started it two days ago, it’s for focus/concentration and it’s been giving me nightmares like the prior one.  Takes four days to kick in though, so we’ll see.  I’ll give it a week and if I don’t see a real positive difference (including side-effects from lack of sleep due to nightmares), then I think I’ll tell Mr. DO I would like to try the other option, because he said there is another option.

I think I have only one or two cigarettes left.  I think I am going to smoke them now and then not buy another pack.  Dietrich’s been bein’ real good out here on the porch with me right now, this whole time!  He hasn’t barked even once!!  So, so very knock on wood!

But anyways, I think the Xanax is making me tired or something, so I think I’ll smoke these two cigarettes, take a half Xanax and 25mg Adderall XR, then sit down and just do my budget and see what the damage is.  It’s not like it’s going anywhere regardless of whether I look at it or not.  So I might as well pop a Xanax and get it over with.  I hope I can afford my bills this month.  And then I will prepare a rebuttal for the divorce while I’m on the topic, and then we’ll see.  I think I might be having masked depression and the rain certainly doesn’t help much, because I just don’t feel like doing a goddamn thing.

LATER

I’ll tell you what.  I am seriously concerned about the state of my budget.  I mean, I essentially went out to Banana Republic and through this sale and that clearance and all the discounts in the world ended up with a whole new work wardrobe for about $700.  Which wouldn’t be so bad except I spent like $100 at DSW to get cute of professional low-heal heals that would match just about anything, so what I ended up with were black kinda-casual sling backs, nude strap-over-toes-and-elastic-ankle-straps, and these pinkish nude pointed toe sling backs I thought would look really nice with all this navy shit I bought—I don’t know why I bought so much navy, but apparently navy is in, and I will be wearing it.  That is, if I can make it past this divorce and begin networking.  Ughhhh…what a slow learner am I?  Slow reader, slow learner, late bloomer—will it never end?

Well anyways, I’m sitting out here on the porch by myself, smelling the disgusting ashes of my old cigarettes (gotta move those soon, but perhaps good reminder for now), and trying ohh so desperately not to go out and buy cigarettes because another pack means starting all over again and I just don’t know that I want to do that to myself.  What I really want is to just start clean and fresh.  But I’m growing tired now, so on to only what is essentially important…

Somebody just came by on the sidewalk and said to me, “did you ever see somebody walk a cat?”  And I obligingly laughed and said “no”.  It was stupid.  I don’t even know how to explain the absurdity of life.  I think that’s what’s so agonizing about the life of an artist.  To convey that the beauty is in the madness is almost nonsensical to these others, who see only order and mass production and perfection, perfection, perfection.  The way I see it—and I know I’ve touched on this before but, the way I see it is—we are all merely ants marching unless and until we rise above it all.  I want to rise above it all.  But I’m on this path that tells me neither where it is going, when I will get there, if I will even get there, and if there is even a there to which I am heading.  I am at once insane, and then again, the rest of the world too, is at once insane.  And so people—in my humble opinion, I think the one conclusion I can come to tonight, is that all people are insane, and though in different ways yes, all insane nonetheless; and that is enough, that one lit-tle teeny tiny similarity between us all is large and great enough to bring us all back together again.  I’ll tell you more what I mean later.  I’m tired now.

I’m going to catch up with my correspondence now.  I’m dreading it, but it must be done and my relationships are important to me and so that is what I will do.  I will spend the time doing that instead of shopping online for things to buy with even more money I do not have, buying cigarettes with money I do not have a healthy health I do not have, etc. etc.  I will catch up my correspondence.  I’ll never forget that episode of Friends where Rachel tells Ross she’s not going out with him because she’s going to “catch up on her correspondence” (not meaning email back then of course, but real letter writing—which is what made it so funny, that she’d ever even do that, but anyways…).  I can’t even tell you sigh, how much I would love to have a cigarette right now.  But I just want one.  I want a friend over to come with just one—not a whole pack that I have to purchase with money I do not have.  What silly thoughts.  What silly thoughts!  Thirty-two years old now and still such silly thoughts!!!!!!!!

EVEN LATER

God I want a cigarette.  I also wouldn’t mind if people would give rap music a try.  I tried to write a post about it, maybe I’ll tryin’ finish it now while the Xanax kicks in and then hopefully I’ll forget all about the cigarettes (and not more than that hah!).  Sigh — I’m so tired.  Tired all the time it seems.  So many different directions pulling me in different ways which is confusing for the mere reason that I basically have nothing going on in my life right now, except going to work, taking care of a puppy, and really that’s it—hanging out with my family.  I definitely think I’m feeling depressed right now.  Masked-depression which keeps me from wanting to kill myself, but makes me numb enough to not be able to produce good art.  So that kind of sucks.  That’s why people go off their meds, not because they’re so goddamned complicated (which they are, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think it’s the first and foremost reason for going off or just screwing around with the medications).  Anyways, what a long rant from such a very tired girl.

I try WordPress and I don’t know what the hell “musings” are and I don’t know what “trending” means and if that’s a Twitter thing only or also a WordPress thing.  I don’t know where to find the magic “keyword” topics and tags to use and it’s all just very frustrating for me.  I’ve been thinking about making a section on my blog actually on that yep, about how I don’t get so much of the techno lingo and that I need some guidance please I will say.

I guess it’s 10am and I’ve been up since 7 pm, so that’s a good ol’ 15 hour day!  I will do my budget tomorrow, finish the divorce thing (or at least start it), and finish the blog to go live with any final changes necessary before doing so.   And get cat litter.  Can’t forget the fucking cat litter.  No mani, no pedi—but certainly cat litter.  I’m just annoyed as all sin right now ;0(