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REFLECTION ETERNAL – AUGUST 1ST, 2000 @ AGE 19

RE:  “DISORDERLY” 19-YEAR-OLD BIPOLAR I THOUGHT PROCESSES…

Did you ever think about swallowing a bottle of pills just to see what would happen?  Or how about slitting your wrists, just lit-tle cuts, but slitting your wrists to see if the pain it made you feel could somehow make everything else you were feeling seem not as bad?  Were you ever so angry you just wanted to throw up every meal so that maybe you might get thin and eventually die of starvation and make all the people who are driving you crazy feel bad for being so absolutely awful when they could have cared?

My father said I was becoming awfully stingy with money lately.  Hmm…I wonder who I learned that from.

Stella said I had to fly out to Arizona to visit her this spring break, even if she has to pay for part of it.  How could I take her offer up when I probably won’t even have any money to buy her the smallest of presents for Hanukah, let alone eight of them, or is it seven?

I vented all my problems, worries and frustrations to my mom tonight because I have no one else to talk to out here in Minnesota.  And then she got mad at me for being hysterical.  Is it any wonder I feel like taking a shitload of pills just to see what would happen?  Is it any wonder I dream sometimes of getting my hands on a j or something just so I can lose all feeling for a little while?  To be able to feel no emotions, or be aware of them still and just not give a damn seems like a dream.  I can’t wait to get out of here.  I can’t wait to smoke up again and get drunk again with all my friends at school.  I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.  Lord help me please.

Oh fucking goddamn later for god’s sake!

I’m going to have a cup of coffee for breakfast and no lunch tomorrow.  I may buy a drink if I’m thirsty but that’s it.  I’m scared shitless too and I’m taking you with me to write in at lunch to relay my progress.  If I eat a bad dinner I will puke it up (again).  Oooh!  I get my haircut tomorrow at 6pm at The Mall of America hoorah!  Maybe will find high black boots.  Gahh this is so evil to have to save money.  Life’s a bitch, lemme tell ya.  Do you think it would take more courage to commit suicide or to go on living?  Hmm.  Just out of curiosity…I don’t want to die.  Ugh.  Well…no.

I wonder how many people in this world have deep dark secrets that they have never told anyone, not even their mom or their best of best friends.  I can think of four right off the bat.  Maybe one day, when I can admit them to myself, then maybe they won’t be so absolutely dreadful to speak or even just think about.  G’night.