REFLECTION FROM JULY 22ND, 2001 @ AGE 20
RE: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ADULTS OF A NATION ARE ALL GENERALLY TOO PRE-OCCUPIED AND/OR SELF-CENTERED AND/OR SELF-RIGHTEOUS TO CARE TO LISTEN TO THE CHILDREN OF THE NATION.
THE EQUATION: If A = B, and B = C, then A = C, i.e.:
A = OUR LEADERSHIP DOES NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF THE SUFFERING
B = SCHOOL BULLIES SILENCE THEIR VICTIMS’ VOICES VIA INFLICTION OF PAIN
C = A LIFE OF CONSTANT SUFFERING IS MEANINGLESS IN THE ABSENCE OF HOPE
Alright, now that I have begun to think about school…I cannot fall asleep for the life of me because I am worried sick about money. I’m sure everything will be fine and all, and if all else fails I know my parents will always send me money…but I don’t really want to have to ask them. And I am goddamn worried that I am not going to have enough clothes to wear. I was going out with my mom today and couldn’t even put an outfit together, so what the hell am I gonna wear to classes every f–king day?! Aghhh! I wish I could forget about all this sh-t because it is so dumb to be wasting my time thinking about it and I really would like to go to bed. I guess it would not be bad to not have a lot of money though, because then I won’t buy bad stuff.
Okay, I am going to have so many problems with my life if I can’t stand to stay off of cigs and alcohol and weed and E and all that other sh-t long enough to actually figure my life out soon. But it’s like it doesn’t even hardly matter anyways, because every decision I make just ends up f-cking everything else up like 100%! I just smoked the resin out of my bowl from last May! And I am now stoned! Like, how did I not think of this until now?! I am going to be addicted for life and either die by ODing or from absolute distraught and depression. Ohh I am scaring myself…
Well, I smoked up today, I just took two demerols and I would have bought and smoked a pack of cigs by now too had the car not broken down on the way there. Am in complete relapse. All beginnings of a new budding tree of confidence are completely gone. I want to kill myself. I know these things shouldn’t be big deals with money and my school schedule and all, but to me–it’s my entire life. What else do I have?! And I can’t even figure these things out.