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REFLECTION FROM JULY 22ND, 2001 @ AGE 20

RE:  WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ADULTS OF A NATION ARE ALL GENERALLY TOO PRE-OCCUPIED AND/OR SELF-CENTERED AND/OR SELF-RIGHTEOUS TO CARE TO LISTEN TO THE CHILDREN OF THE NATION.

THE EQUATION:  If A = B, and B = C, then A = C, i.e.:

A = OUR LEADERSHIP DOES NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF THE SUFFERING

B = SCHOOL BULLIES SILENCE THEIR VICTIMS’ VOICES VIA INFLICTION OF PAIN

C = A LIFE OF CONSTANT SUFFERING IS MEANINGLESS IN THE ABSENCE OF HOPE

Alright, now that I have begun to think about school…I cannot fall asleep for the life of me because I am worried sick about money.  I’m sure everything will be fine and all, and if all else fails I know my parents will always send me money…but I don’t really want to have to ask them.  And I am goddamn worried that I am not going to have enough clothes to wear.  I was going out with my mom today and couldn’t even put an outfit together, so what the hell am I gonna wear to classes every f–king day?!  Aghhh!  I wish I could forget about all this sh-t because it is so dumb to be wasting my time thinking about it and I really would like to go to bed.  I guess it would not be bad to not have a lot of money though, because then I won’t buy bad stuff.

Okay, I am going to have so many problems with my life if I can’t stand to stay off of cigs and alcohol and weed and E and all that other sh-t long enough to actually figure my life out soon.  But it’s like it doesn’t even hardly matter anyways, because every decision I make just ends up f-cking everything else up like 100%!  I just smoked the resin out of my bowl from last MayAnd I am now stoned!  Like, how did I not think of this until now?!  I am going to be addicted for life and either die by ODing or from absolute distraught and depression.  Ohh I am scaring myself…

LATER

Well, I smoked up today, I just took two demerols and I would have bought and smoked a pack of cigs by now too had the car not broken down on the way there.  Am in complete relapse.  All beginnings of a new budding tree of confidence are completely gone.  I want to kill myself.  I know these things shouldn’t be big deals with money and my school schedule and all, but to me–it’s my entire life.  What else do I have?!  And I can’t even figure these things out.