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REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 14TH, 2009

Re:  Waning Belief in Self + Lost Hope for a Brighter Future = Diminished Value of Human Life.

Written 2/14/2009 @ Age 27

I don’t know, maybe I should kill myself.  All I’m doing is wasting my life away.  I’m going to be in debt till I die and I can’t see how I’m ever going to meet anyone who’s going to want to be with me with all the debt that I have.  I can’t imagine somebody loving me in spite of the debt that I owe.  And even if they could love me in spite of my debt, I don’t know that they could love me because I’m f—king bipolar.  I’m a f—king mess who can’t make along on my own in this world.  I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me.  Because I’m f—king pretty?  Yeah right…“because I’m pretty” hasn’t gotten me anywhere in life.

I just f—ked this all up.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I thought I was protecting myself—by keeping myself out of the corporate culture.  I thought I was doing a good thing for myself, going to law school.  But now I want to f—king kill myself because I have almost $200,000 in debt, a sh—ty job that I hate that doesn’t pay well, that doesn’t even pay a f—king decent salary.  I have no life, no friends, no boyfriend, no fun, no one calling me on my cell phone, no one sending me emails.  I’m lonelier than f—king hell.  I hate life.  I hate all of it.  It’s so f—king cruel.  The interest on my loans is capitalizing as we speak…I just don’t know that I can make it in this world.  I don’t think I was meant to.

All I have to do is nick one vein in my wrist.  That’s all I have to do to end this life.  I just have to nick one vein and watch myself bleed to death…