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REFLECTION FROM MAY 16TH, 2001

RE:  PERCEPTION OF DREAMS, FROM WITHIN REALITY

WRITTEN 5/16/2001 @ AGE 19

I think…no…I can’t even start this right…  Ugh.

Sometimes, a lot of the times, I don’t feel like I fit in…still.  I thought that was supposed to end with middle school and adolescence?  I guess maybe it just never ends…

I can’t even really say how I feel right now.  I had the opportunity to go to Martha’s Vineyard for the month of June with Gillian, etc.  My mom thought it was crazy, but that it would be a great experience for me.  My father just said no.  I hate how with parents–they know.  They know all of your faults because they have seen them time and again.  And yet, I still can’t see what they see…I think though, now, it’s more because I don’t want to see what I know they can see, even though I could if I really wanted to…

It’s like admitting defeat though or something…I just can’t let it get through because then I’ll know for sure that I am a failure at everything.  At least this way, I can just dismiss my parents as “stupid” and move on with my life.  Except, I have no life here…I hate it out here in Minnesota where my parents now live.  It’s so lonely and I want to kill myself when my mother makes comments to strangers such as “ohh sure, she’s not busy…she doesn’t have a boyfriend so she has all the time in the world.

It’s like, it’s already getting to that point.  Like, why aren’t you dating anyone Marissa–you’re still single?  Oh yeah, that’s Marissa–she’ll always be single…

I think the reason I’m so annoyed with Kayleigh right now is similar to the problem with my father.  They both know, Derrick and Harrison and Eli know.  Stella knows that I can’t stick with anything.  I dream big…but too big.  I never know how to get myself anywhere.  I don’t know how to find out either.  And the worst part is…I don’t care.  I don’t know why, but I can’t.  I don’t know how to.  Or I haven’t found anything important enough yet…

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