Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

photo (1)

REFLECTION FROM JANUARY 2, 2014

RE:  QUESTION OF UNGRATEFULNESS — VS. — SHACKLES OF DISCRIMINATION.

WRITTEN 1/2/2014 @ AGE 32

Well, everyone is back to work and I’m all done redecorating the basement for my workspace, and it’s awesome and it’s all just everything that I’ve wanted…and yet, still…I feel blue…

I don’t even know what to do about it, which is the worst part.  I feel blah and have so so so much work to do for the job search and health insurance and legislative/consumer advocacy and writing even — and I don’t feel like doing anything.  I feel like an ungrateful little bitch who wants to kill herself because she’s (i.e. I am…) so f—king ungrateful.  But that is not the truth though, really.  It’s not, in fact, the truth at all!  The truth is that all that I have externally is wonderful — but it cannot fill this dark hole inside of me, and it cannot lift the weight of this reality’s gravity that keeps bearing down…pushing pushing down always, upon my heart.

I don’t know why this weight of the world has been cast upon my shoulders, the gravity of the Earth pressing down, pressuring to shatter my heartThreatening me…  I don’t know why the shackles of my conscience cause me so much suffering…  It just is.  They just do…  I barely feel like I can breathe here…

And people look at me like “what’s wrong with you?!” — you don’t even work and you buy all these things and think you can be a real writer and what makes you think —YOU— will get to have your dreams to come true?  What’s so —S-P-E-C-I-A-L— about —YOU—?

That’s what it feels like.  I don’t really even know if anyone is thinking that though—anyone, except, for me…

These shackles of my consciousness are a result of all this discrimination and mental and emotional abuse I’ve endured.  For 32 years — all of this abuse that I have endured…  That has been and still in part is my reality here, and it is suffocating…

But I am working to change that, for myself and for others — I am working hard to change this reality for the better, gratuitously—for humanity.  So, I guess that’s what makes me so special

And, so, as Nicki would say—”shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t faze me” ;0)

Okay…back to work…

PS — my prior video should now be working on all mobile devices and computers if you want to check it out…  Sorry for the delay–it’s a bit out of date now, but all the same…good message on adults needing to learn how to compromise for the sake of our kids…