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REFLECTION FROM SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2007

RE:  MANIA…SLOWLY FALLING INTO DEPRESSION…

WRITTEN 9/12/2007 @ AGE 26

Ohh my god my head is being inundated with ideas right now – it’s hard even to read without having to stop and write every three minutes!

I’m feeling so thankful right now for all that I’ve been given…and it’s so much!  I feel so thankful and proud of the life and soul that I’m building.  There’s nothing I like better to feel than thankful, except perhaps love.  But love is so broad – I wouldn’t hesitate to say that gratefulness is merely one faction thereof…

I have a distinct feeling that something phenomenal is forming in my head, but I am aimless yet, as to the parameters and content of what it is.  I feel so thankful that it is coming though.  I feel so thankful to be the chosen one, for which to effectuate this message for humanity.  I feel I have a purpose for to keep on living now – to continue on learning further how to help myself, and in the process, learn how also, to help others.

I feel I am growing into what and who I’ve always wanted to be.  But the vision is certainly less than clear from a practical, circumstantial point of view.  But, at the same time, I feel like I’m finally developing something on the inside, that’s truly worth giving to myself and to others.

I’m thinking now, that perhaps the goal overall is not in taking it all in, but rather – in being open, such that bad or good, whatever’s necessary and brought to me by FDC, will have an avenue, through which to find me.  It’s a rueful day realizing that all my pain is what connects me to others after all, and not what disconnects me…

It feels amazing sitting here in the sun…

I want, more than anything, to live my life acting on principle, over circumstance and practicality.  I want to struggle for what is right and not sell out for an easier lifestyle.  I want to fight for what I want and what is important to me.  I want to mean something…  I want to struggle in the manifestation of my ideals.  This is a struggle that I want.  It’s something I feel is worth fighting for in this world that’s going to hell…

Ohh life can get so complicated.  Or perhaps it’s so simple, I can’t even see…  I’m not sure I’ll ever really know.  But who am I to say?

Living my life aspiring to be that which I respect most, comes with many intangible benefits which are, of course, of the best kind.  I mean – I’m building this whole big thing right?  And the problem for me has been that it is so fully gaping with holes yet, that the framework is practically still, almost nonexistent.  And yet I can feel it growing and becoming stronger inside me – inside of my heart and inside of my mind.  It still seems like nothing at times, but alas, you should know Maris, that it is something.  And it’s gonna be huge!

In the meantime though — life is feeling very hard right now, because I don’t have a job just quite yet and I feel like I’m not making necessarily perfect life choices either.  So basically, I have no conclusion yet for you, because the story has not yet moved on from the present my dear diary…

Here we are basking in the presence of one another and sometimes, still, I cannot even believe that I myself am alive…  It seems at once almost too good to be true – and yet also curiously, like hell on Earth…