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REFLECTION FROM APRIL 10TH, 2009

RE:  ACCEPTING THE BAD, SO I CAN FIND MY WAY TO THE GOOD 

WRITTEN 4/10/2009 @ AGE 27

Hey.  It’s been awhile.  I’ve been insecure as ever.  Sharing my life with others has been making me feel very uneasy.  I just don’t know whether I’m supposed to be sharing with others that I am bipolar and have to take medication, or if I am supposed to be hiding that information or what.  But I struggle because taking medication and really just being bipolar alone is such an intricate part of my life, it’s very difficult to separate it and tuck it away from the world so that I can appear perfect and untouchable.

Then too, when I talk to people I find that I ask them personal questions.  I think they wonder why I would ask things like that, though I could be wrong because I really have no idea what they are thinking.  But anyways, I ask personal questions because I’m interested in personal details, not the stupid bullsh-t that people usually shoot around.  I feel like people think I’m weird because I do ask personal questions and because I am marred with bipolar and medication.  If I let them in, won’t they think I’m even more strange and then run?

I am a very intense person.  I think this turns most people off.  I don’t think they can handle it.  But really I’m attributing all my own experience to all of these other people who might be so super nice and who could maybe just love me as I am.  I have to wade through the people who will run from me to get to the people who will love me as I am.  I hate that.