REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 24TH, 2008**
Re: The Difficulty of Climbing Out of a Discriminatory Hole
Written 2/24/2008 @ Age 26
It’s really difficult reading through what I’ve written in the past. I feel really bad for most of the people who have come into my path. I feel like I do destroy everything that I touch, whether I mean to or not, and usually I do not which makes it all the more frustrating. Thing is, if I knew a person like me as well as I know me, I don’t think I’d want to have anything to do with them. I do wonder if this isn’t how most people with mental illnesses feel. No wonder why this breeds all the self-loathing behavior. Maybe there is something to loathe about ourselves, even if we cannot help ourselves, even if we were born this way.
I know I keep coming back to this, but I really do think it’s quite important. Like I’ve said before, I don’t think mentally intact people can understand what it’s like to live with a bipolar mind. The most difficult part to explain is the endless mental and emotional suffering bipolar individuals must endure. And what’s more, it’s very difficult to explain that kind of suffering to others who have never experienced it, to others who have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Thing is, we most certainly do feel the same kind of emotions. The painful part of the illness is the extent to which we feel each of these emotions, not just the experience of emotion itself – and what’s interesting is that I see this distinction clearly expressed in my prior entries.
I believe that bipolar individuals experience even just daily emotions to a far greater extent than the most potent feelings of emotion felt by mentally intact people compounded over a lifetime. You can call it whatever you want, a lot of people say we are more sensitive, which may be the case – but I find that description really quite lacking in descriptive quality. I’m not sure how I can best explain this, but I feel that I’m getting closer to what I’m actually trying to say. So I guess that’s progress.
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